Dealing with aggressive behavior—whether it is loud, pushy, or sarcastic—often triggers an immediate stress response. Many people, especially those with a history of trauma or CPTSD, instinctively freeze, fawn, or lash out in return. These reactions can leave you feeling humiliated or dysregulated for days. However, it is possible to respond in a way that preserves your dignity and allows the other person’s behavior to remain their burden, rather than yours.
Understanding Dysregulation
Aggressive behavior often stems from the other person’s emotional dysregulation. When you encounter this, their state can trigger a cascade of reactions in your own nervous system, making it difficult to think straight. The key to handling these interactions is not to fix the other person or win a debate, but to prioritize your own self-regulation. By staying grounded, you prevent their chaos from becoming your own.
The Power of Contrast
The most effective way to make an aggressive person regret their behavior is through contrast. When they are spinning and overstepping, and you remain calm and hold your line without drama, the discrepancy highlights their behavior. This requires a "force field of neutrality." You do not need to match their energy; instead, you aim to disarm them by refusing to feed the conflict.
5 Phrases to Defuse Aggression
To maintain your ground without escalating the situation, you can use these five specific phrases:
- "That’s not going to work with me." Say this once, steadily, without attitude or explanation. It is a quiet refusal to be pulled into their dynamic.
- "All right, say what you need to say. I’m listening." This resets the tone, taking the air out of their posturing and giving them a chance to speak like a human.
- "All right, I need to take a second." This focuses on managing yourself rather than shutting them down. It is disarming because you are taking responsibility for your own state.
- "Let’s press pause. I want to come back to this clear." This shows you are willing to engage, but not amidst chaos. It prevents escalation without abandoning the conversation.
- "Ouch." A simple, non-accusatory way to hold a mirror up to their behavior. It makes them own their words without dragging you into an argument.
Conclusion
Your primary goal during an aggressive encounter is to keep your wits about you. By practicing these clear responses, you avoid falling into old patterns of fawning or freezing. You walk away feeling dignified, having handled the situation honorably, while the aggressive person is left to sit with the reality of their own behavior.
Mentoring question
Reflecting on your past conflicts, do you tend to freeze, fawn, or fight back, and which of the five phrases provided could you practice to help you maintain your neutrality next time?
Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=MkD_fN7lDB8&is=fgJ374Hxy5S6Qk1e
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