Do you feel that the harder you try to be a kind and understanding parent, the less your child respects you? Many parents believe that disrespect stems from a lack of discipline or a child’s difficult personality. However, the real issue often lies in a subtle habit that undermines your authority: confusing empathy with a lack of leadership. This summary explains how the “buddy parenting” approach can backfire and provides actionable steps to restore balance in your home.

The Danger of Asking for Permission

The core mistake many parents make is phrasing commands as questions. Adding words like “okay?” or “alright?” to the end of a request (e.g., “Time to clean up, okay?”) signals to the child that your authority is negotiable. Subconsciously, you are asking for permission to be the parent. Children do not feel respected by this; they feel unsafe. They need a parent who acts as a secure “captain of the ship,” not a tentative passenger asking for directions. When a leader is unsure, the child feels compelled to test limits to find security.

Respect Starts with Self-Respect

Children learn respect by observing how you treat yourself. If you immediately interrupt your own activities—such as a phone call or finishing a coffee—the moment a child demands attention, you teach them that your time and needs are secondary to their whims. To receive respect, you must model it by holding your own boundaries. Fear of rejection often drives parents to be overly pliable, but clear boundaries actually reduce anxiety for children by defining where their freedom ends and yours begins.

Actionable Steps to Regain Authority

• Shift Your Communication: Stop asking and start stating. Instead of asking, “Could you brush your teeth?” say calmly and confidently, “It is time to brush your teeth.” This removes the illusion of choice regarding non-negotiable tasks.
• Model Boundary Setting: Demonstrate that your needs matter. If interrupted, use a phrase like, “I hear you, but I am finishing my coffee and will be available in 5 minutes.” Then, follow through to show your word has weight.
• Separate Emotions from Decisions: Understand that respect does not mean the child will always be happy. It is okay for a child to be frustrated by a boundary. Validate their feelings (“I see you are angry because you want to play”) without changing your decision.

Mentoring question

In which specific daily situations do you catch yourself asking your child for permission rather than providing clear leadership, and what fears hold you back from stating your needs firmly?

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=lwioFx-bwnw&is=P8ltIC16l59eOQHX