Giving feedback to teenagers often results in defensiveness or shutdown because they don’t just hear the words; they interpret criticism as a judgment on their competence, making them feel inadequate or like a disappointment. This triggers a defensive reaction, causing well-intentioned advice to backfire.
The Key to Effective Feedback
A study by developmental psychologist Dr. David Yeager found that adding one sentence to feedback tripled the likelihood that students would take positive action. The sentence was: “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.” This message works because it shifts the focus from failure to potential, conveying belief in the teen’s ability to meet a high standard.
The Core Principle: High Standards + High Belief
Effective feedback combines two essential elements: communicating high standards (clarifying what needs to change) and expressing high belief (showing confidence that they can improve). This approach focuses on progress over perfection, transforming potential confrontations into supportive conversations. The goal is to build your teen’s internal motivation by showing them that they can overcome challenges and are not defined by their mistakes.
A 4-Step Formula for Giving Feedback
When providing negative feedback, use this step-by-step method to ensure it is received constructively:
- State the Issue Clearly: Describe the problem objectively without casting judgment. (e.g., “The deadline for the assignment wasn’t met.”)
- Affirm Belief: Express confidence in your teen’s overall capability. (e.g., “But I know you’re capable of getting back on track.”)
- Reinforce the Standard: Reiterate the importance of the expectation. (e.g., “Meeting deadlines is still important.”)
- Offer Support: Open a dialogue and offer your help. (e.g., “Can we talk about what happened? Let me know if I can support you.”)
Mentoring question
Think about a recent time you gave your teen feedback that didn’t go well. How could you rephrase your message using the ‘High Standards + High Belief’ formula to foster a more positive and productive outcome?
Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=gd5AGpT8qPk&si=7tnFMxWl3P8CcZ35
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