This video addresses a common frustration for parents: why teenagers often react defensively or shut down when given well-intentioned feedback. The central issue is that teens, being highly sensitive to how their competence is perceived, interpret criticism not as helpful advice but as a personal attack or a sign of rejection, making them feel inadequate.

The ‘High Expectations, High Belief’ Method

The video introduces a research-backed solution developed by Dr. David Yeager. The key is to frame feedback with a message that conveys both high standards and a strong belief in the teen’s ability to meet them. A study found that adding the sentence, “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them,” made students three times more likely to act on the feedback. This approach shifts the message from “You’re not good enough” to “I believe you can meet this standard.”

A 4-Step Formula for Constructive Feedback

To apply this principle, the video offers a step-by-step formula for parents:

1. State the Issue Clearly: Describe the problem factually and without judgment (e.g., “The deadline for the assignment wasn’t met.”).
2. Affirm Your Belief: Express confidence in your teen’s capabilities (e.g., “But I know you’re capable of getting back on track.”).
3. Reinforce the Standard: Reiterate the importance of the expectation (e.g., “Meeting deadlines is still important.”).
4. Offer Support: Open a dialogue and offer your help (e.g., “Can we talk about what happened? Let me know if I can support you.”).

Conclusion and Takeaway

The ultimate goal of this feedback method is to build a teen’s internal motivation. By focusing on progress over perfection and delivering criticism with respect and belief, parents can turn potentially damaging confrontations into constructive conversations. This approach helps teens understand that they are not defined by their mistakes and are capable of learning, growing, and overcoming challenges.

Mentoring question

Think about the last time you gave your teen critical feedback. How could you rephrase your message using the ‘high standards, high belief’ model to foster a more positive and motivating conversation?

Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=gd5AGpT8qPk&si=vujOY1I2gLEmYHhs