The core of effective communication and storytelling is the ability to identify and speak to the primary social need of the person you are addressing. The speaker categorizes people into six groups based on the social need they are trying to fulfill in any given conversation: significance, acceptance, approval, intelligence, pity, and strength/power. By listening carefully to how people talk about themselves—their accomplishments, memories, or even their week—you can discern their dominant need and tailor your message for maximum impact.
The Six Core Social Needs
To communicate successfully, you must first identify which of these six needs drives your listener:
- Significance: These individuals need to feel they make a difference. They talk about their accomplishments, status, and impact (e.g., “I’m the CEO at that company”).
- Approval: People seeking approval want validation and reassurance. They may use self-deprecation to fish for compliments (e.g., “I’m going to bomb my speech tomorrow”).
- Acceptance: Driven by a need to belong, these individuals often use collective language like “we,” “us,” and “our,” emphasizing their membership in a group.
- Intelligence: This group needs to be seen as smart. They will often reference their academic credentials, thesis, or intellectual knowledge.
- Pity: These individuals seek recognition for their suffering. The most effective communication involves acknowledging the hardships they have endured (e.g., “I can’t believe all the stuff you’ve been through”).
- Strength/Power: This need is about having control over others and situations. It’s not just about physical dominance but also about leadership and influence.
Conclusion: The Key to Connection
The primary takeaway is that misaligning your message with your audience’s core need leads to ineffective communication. For example, telling a significance-driven person how smart they are for an idea misses the mark; they need to hear how the idea makes them important. By actively listening to identify an individual’s primary social driver, you can frame your arguments, stories, and conversations in a way that resonates deeply and persuasively.
Mentoring question
Reflect on a recent important conversation. Which of the six social needs was the other person most likely trying to fulfill, and how might you have communicated differently to better connect with them?
Source: https://youtube.com/shorts/6wgI2KGDbfE?si=-mWH4cexao6AuZhs
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