A youth coach outlines four common but detrimental mistakes parents make when raising teenagers, explaining their negative impact and offering more effective alternatives. The central theme is that parenting approaches need to adapt to foster a teen’s emotional health, responsibility, and a strong parent-child relationship.
1. Continually Pointing Out Flaws
Constant criticism about areas like time management, phone usage, or grades can make teens angry, resentful, and defiant. Over time, it damages their self-esteem, making them feel they’ll never be good enough. Instead of focusing on perfection, parents should acknowledge and encourage progress, which motivates teens to continue improving.
2. Invalidating Their Feelings
Dismissing a teen’s emotions with phrases like “There’s no reason to feel sad” or “You’re too sensitive” teaches them to suppress their feelings, leading to shame. This emotional invalidation can have severe long-term consequences, even being linked to conditions like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The better approach is to acknowledge their feelings and empathize with their emotional state to help them learn healthy emotional regulation.
3. Speaking as if You Always Know Best
Today’s teens often have “artificial maturity”—they are knowledgeable on many topics due to technology but may lack emotional or social maturity. Talking down to them or using phrases like “I know what’s best for you” causes them to withdraw and stop sharing. To maintain open communication, it’s crucial to listen more than lecture. Teens are more receptive to change when they feel understood, not when they are told what to do.
4. Shielding Them from Natural Consequences
Consistently protecting teens from the consequences of their actions (e.g., arranging special exemptions for failing grades) prevents them from learning that choices have outcomes. This can create a belief that someone will always bail them out. Parents should allow teens to experience natural consequences in small, manageable ways—for instance, if they don’t do their laundry, they won’t have clean clothes. This allows the consequence itself to be the teacher, without the need for an “I told you so” lecture.
Mentoring question
Reflecting on your interactions with your teenager this past week, which of these four communication pitfalls did you come closest to falling into, and what’s one specific thing you could say or do differently next time?
Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=vJMau3M60YA&si=o6Zf_hTBNSEmZTgu
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