Parents often find that attempts at calm conversations with their teens result in power struggles, explosions, or silence. According to research by Dr. David Yeager, this is frequently because two fundamental psychological needs are not being met: status and respect. These needs are as vital to a teen’s development as food and water are to a child. Failing to meet them can lead to teens acting out or withdrawing as they seek to fulfill these needs elsewhere.
The Need for Status
Status for a teenager isn’t about popularity but about feeling seen as important and valuable within their family, school, or peer groups. During adolescence, a surge in hormones makes teens hyper-attuned to their social rank and how they are perceived. When a teen’s efforts are dismissed or their contributions are ignored, they can feel invisible. This can lead them to seek validation in unhealthy ways, such as through risky behavior, bullying, obsessing over peer approval, or defying authority. To provide status, parents can acknowledge their teen’s specific efforts and qualities (e.g., “You’ve been working really hard… That shows discipline and perseverance”) and show interest in their ideas (“That’s an interesting idea, can you explain more?”).
The Need for Respect
Respect involves treating a teenager as if they are capable of making good decisions and solving problems. Adolescence is a natural period for testing boundaries and asserting independence as teens learn to function in the adult world. When parents respond with control or disbelief (e.g., “You’ll just make a mess”), they communicate a lack of trust. This can shut a teen down. A more effective approach is to parent from a place of support, not control. This includes using respectful language even during disagreements and framing requests collaboratively. Research shows that when teens feel respected, the reasoning and decision-making part of their brain (the prefrontal cortex) becomes more engaged, improving their capacity for empathy and long-term thinking.
Key Takeaways for Parents
Intentionally meeting your teen’s needs for status and respect in daily interactions can transform your relationship. You can start by implementing four key actions:
- Give your teen a real role: Put them in charge of a meaningful task, like planning a family activity or preparing a weekly meal.
- Acknowledge strengths and progress: Notice and comment on their positive attributes and efforts, such as their resilience or problem-solving skills.
- Use respectful language: Even in conflict, aim for collaborative phrases like, “Let’s figure this out together.”
- Ask for their opinion: Involve them in solving problems and making decisions that affect them or the family.
The ultimate message to convey is: “I see you. I value you. I believe in you.” This approach reinforces your authority through connection rather than control.
Mentoring question
Reflecting on your recent interactions, where is one specific opportunity you can create this week to consciously grant your teen more status or show them genuine respect?
Source: https://youtube.com/watch?v=dquGdtHnZlc&si=_FoWyC5Pqy0WjvtP
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