The Problem with “What Happened?”
When a child cries, gets angry, or withdraws, parents often instinctively ask, “What happened?” While well-intentioned, child psychologist Reem Raouda argues this question often blocks communication. For a child in high emotional distress, processing events logically and articulating them verbally creates excessive pressure. Children experience emotions physically and chaotically first; expecting a logical explanation immediately can cause them to shut down.
The Solution: “Tell Me What Is Hard for You Now”
Raouda suggests replacing investigative questions with one simple invitation: “Tell me what is hard for you right now.” This phrase does not demand a sequential story or justification. Instead, it invites the child to share their experience on their own terms, fostering emotional intelligence naturally.
Why This Approach Works
According to the expert, this specific phrasing is effective for seven key reasons:
- Reduces Tension: It removes the feeling of being interrogated or needing to find a “guilty” party, signaling that the child is not in trouble.
- Removes Labeling Pressure: The child doesn’t need to identify specific emotions (like sadness or frustration). They can simply describe the difficulty (e.g., “It was too loud”), which is the first step toward building an emotional vocabulary.
- Prioritizes Safety: It validates feelings before jumping to solutions. It shows the child that the adult can handle their big emotions without panic.
- Grants Control: It is an invitation, not a demand, allowing the child to decide how much to share.
- Calms the Nervous System: Feeling heard without judgment helps the child’s body relax, which is a prerequisite for any productive conversation.
- Normalizes Struggle: It teaches that difficulties are a normal part of life that can be survived and processed, rather than suppressed.
- Teaches by Example: By staying calm and curious, the parent models emotional regulation, showing that emotions are something to connect with, not fight against.
Conclusion
Emotional intelligence develops in an environment where a child feels safe to pause and reflect. By changing how adults speak during moments of crisis, they create an emotional climate where children learn that their feelings are valid signals worth paying attention to.
Mentoring question
When your child is distressed, do your initial questions seek to investigate the facts or validate the feelings, and how might shifting to the latter change the outcome?